Sunday, April 25, 2010

"The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear." - William Jennings Bryan

This week I'm going to try a new approach to my weight loss plans: I am going to begin a 12 week program designed to help me learn ways of working exercise into my busy life.

The term "program" is perhaps slightly misleading. Its nothing official, not a group I joined or a class I signed up for. Its a routine of sorts created by my husband (aka my personal trainer) from a combination of my goals, my schedule and quite frankly, my interest level. Its cardio and a little weight training, running and what ever other cruel and unusual activities the local gym provides. Can you tell I'm really excited about it? Not so much. But I know its necessary. I have decided its time I take responsibility for my own goals and for what I want to accomplish. I am by no means "fat" but the fact remains that I do not fit into a single pair of last summer's capris and I flat out refuse to buy the next size up. I am taking control now and its time to make a change.

So why am I tell you all this? To make sure I follow through of course. I have absolutely no self discipline when it comes to this subject so I am making myself accountable to all of you. I know that if my intentions are to report regularly on my progress throughout these next 12 weeks, then I'll make sure I have something positive to write about. Its a little convoluted but it is what it is and I am hoping it works.

Its also my way of forcing myself to continue with this highly therapeutic blog. I started this journey a month ago hoping to find a place where I could go beyond the quick and impersonal facebook status' and wall posts. I wanted to begin to build some confidence in sharing my thoughts and ideas and here I have found a great outlet for all the opinions, concerns, fears, etc that I have floating around in my head at any given time. I was terrified to put myself out there, to expose myself like this and invite everyone to judge me. I have not opened it up to the big wide world yet because I felt it easier to first invite only those I felt would accept me and my writing with rose colored glasses. I'm not sure why I thought I wouldn't have to deal with criticism or why it even matters to me, but it does and it hurts. I am an attention seeking people pleaser (right Jenn?) and I accept that. I don't feel I have much choice really.

Tonight I almost deleted this entire blog and all the fears that go along with it. I was ready to pull the plug on the whole damned thing and keep my inner most world to myself once more. I walked away first though, and started thinking about what this really means to me. And thats when I decided instead to throw caution to the wind, divulge the ugly truths and show the world just what I am made of. Ok, maybe not the whole world yet, but some of my favorite people in it.

Thanks for the support, dear readers, for the encouragement I've received and for following me on this journey. I promise not to give up so easily and to do my best to reach the goals I have made for myself. This is not going to be pretty, but if its worth doing, its worth writing about. You can count on that.


Melanie said...

Please don't give up!!! I check this every single day hoping there is a new post!! I love reading your stories, and I love thinking about how I knew you so long ago. Long before jobs, marriage, kids etc. and I love hearing how your life is now, and seeing that you really haven't changed at all...but you are so much more!! I can see the respect you and Steven have for each other, and how he loves you so much. I can see how great of a mother you are. And I can see how great of a friend you are (and always have been)!
As far as your weight loss journey goes. I wish you good luck!! I know how hard it is...I have struggled with this issue my whole life. I started my weight loss journey (lifestyle change) in January. I am down 42 lbs, and I am starting to feel so good about myself! I still want to loose 50!!
I know you are really not big at all, and when I first started my "lifestyle change" I felt so insecure going to the gym with all the "skinny" girls running on the treadmill, while I could hardly walk. But my trainer explained something to me, and she said that they feel the same way I do. It opened my eyes. Before, I probably would have said to you, you don't need to loose weight at all. But your 10 lbs that you want to loose probably feels the same as the 50lbs does to me that I have to loose. I would have said Frig, I wish I only had to loose 10lbs, but loosing 10, takes just as much hard work, self control and dedication, as loosing 50. So I know how you feel. I look forward to your posts over the next 12 weeks!!
Good Luck!!
Melanie xoxo

Michelle said...

Melanie, you have made my night. You are exactly right, word for word, and I can't tell you how much it means to me to hear it come from such a great friend.

Thanks so much, I'll keep on keeping at it.

SwedishJenn said...

Melanie, you made my DAY! What a wonderful response to Michelle's post! "But your 10 lbs that you want to loose probably feels the same as the 50lbs does to me that I have to loose." That's just it, isn't it? Michelle, I'm so sorry to have missed this post and the ones that followed but I'm here now and am soooooo very glad you didn't decide to pull the plug. You really have a talent for writing dear friend and I mean that with my normal-coloured glasses on. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. No matter what the number is on the scale that we're aiming for, we're all in this together. Congrats to you on starting your journey and congrats to Mel on all the success she's had so far! When I waver (which seems too often these days), I'm coming here for some motivation! Way to go!