Monday, July 19, 2010

Every Cloud..blah, blah, blah

Ok, I’m going to try something different. Instead of going on and on about how much it sucks to be left behind and focusing on the negative, I am going to start looking at some of the positive things of being alone. Surely there must be some good things about having the house to myself, right?

1. Less laundry. Much less laundry, actually. With sometimes two trips to the gym a day and then soccer practice every single night, Steven generates almost a family’s worth of laundry all by himself!

2. When I feel like watching a movie, it can be one I have wanted to see for a while but didn’t want to subject him to. Ok, who am I kidding, I don’t watch movies alone. But then, I will soon have no choice.

3. On a similar note, I can catch up on all the shows that I haven’t seen all season. We have a lot of shows we follow but never in their time slots, always downloaded. We then watch them whenever we get a half hour or hour together. Sometimes it can take us months to get through one week of shows, so we don’t follow many. Some, like Grey’s Anatomy – that only I like – have had to take a backseat to the ones we both really enjoy.

4. More options when eating out. This may sound strange, but he is a lot pickier when it comes to restaurants than I am. Its not fussiness that is the matter, it’s the healthy choices. I am far less particular about a menu (clearly,just look at us!) and I find it hard to resist the lure of someone else cooking and then cleaning it all up for me, so consequently we eat out more when he is gone.

5. People tend to visit/call and invite me out more when Steve is gone away. Its not that they have anything against him of course, its just that when he’s home we’re very busy and do a lot of things together. When he’s gone, good friends tend to be more present and always there to lend a helping hand. Its something we military families do for each other and since I have such great friends here I just know there’ll be no shortage of support.

6. Summer activities will be a little easier to plan, if a little more lonely for me. The only work schedule we will now have to work around is mine.

7. There are no mysteries surrounding school this coming Fall. I was actually looking forward to taking them out of the school here and into some place new, so it is not so much a positive for me as it is for the kids. They were looking forward to moving and are understandably disappointed in the change, but at the same time are happy to be going back to the familiar when it comes to school and friends.

8. When I put the butter and peanut butter away, it will stay put away. Haha, this is only going to be amusing to me, but suffice it to say that over the years it has been a constant struggle to keep those items where they belong!! (My hubby is infamous for his peanut butter toast in the evenings)

9. I get a trip to Ontario out of it. Its not the trip I was hoping and planning for, but the destination is the same and it will give us some much needed time alone together. Not to mention a bit of a break for me before single parenting kicks in. It will also be my only trip of any kind all summer.

10. And last but not least (this is for you Karyn): BIG LOVE!! Haha

Although it feels like a betrayal of all the considerations we make for each other by putting them under the microscope and making them into positive reasons to be apart, as the weeks go by and I sink further and further into negativity, it becomes necessary. I never wanted to look at what is “good” about being in separate households, because that in itself is wrong. People say “find a silver lining”, but I find no silver lining in living apart from my husband. As it stands though, perhaps a little “me time” will be a good thing and show me once again that I am able to stand on my own two feet. I never have any trouble being alone – and I really hope everyone understands that that is not what is upsetting me here. Being alone is never this issue, watching him move away and leaving me to take care of everything, including a house I hate, is the issue. In fact, its causing me an unfamiliar bitterness and resentment that I am having trouble dealing with. But as with everything, it is my duty as a military wife and one I will have to accept. I am hoping this will help solidify some self confidence in my abilities to take on anything that comes at me, even when I am making all the decisions alone. Hey look at me, being positive! Ok barely, but it still counts.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

The Dark Side of the Moon

I have been avoiding blogging the last couple weeks. I am not in a good place and therefore reluctant to continue my tales of woe, as I am fairly certain everyone is tired of hearing it by now. I know I am.

I have never been prone to depression, never felt before like the universe is doing everything in its power to break me, like my world was getting darker and darker. Not like now. I stress a lot, but I’ve come to learn that is my way of working through a problem and finding its solution. These days, no amount of stressing, planning, organizing or ranting is getting me any nearer to my goal and as the time draws closer to Steven’s departure, I am sinking further and further.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I feel like I’m a kid having a temper tantrum. I am obviously old enough to know by now that things don’t always go my way; I am generally very easy-going and take life as it comes at me, but for some reason I am having real trouble with this. It seems as if every time I get my hopes up and it appears there is a possibility for a positive outcome, something unforeseen happens – like rules suddenly changing – and we’re back to square one again. At this point, I am having trouble getting excited about anything related to this posting anymore. This, of course, is very unfair to Steven. He asked for this move, we both wanted it, and despite the issues we are having with the house, he is very excited for this change. As he should be. This new position is one he has coveted for long while, in a unit he has longed to work with. I feel like I am sucking the fun out of it for him, but honestly somedays it is all I can do to muster a smile when he talks about it.

This week brought news that a four bedroom PMQ was finally available on Base, after being on the waiting list for months, but we had two days to accept or decline. With no sale imminent, we had no choice but to say no thank you. On that same day we had a viewing booked; I commented that it was either perfect timing or the universe playing a cruel joke. Looks like someone finds this whole thing very amusing.

I cannot sign off without first mentioning the fabulous week I had last week, for our nation’s birthday and my friend’s homecoming. On Wednesday my best friend showed up in my driveway a day early to surprise me – during the five minutes I had had to run money over to the soccer field. I drove up to find the family scratching their heads wondering where I could be, I guess the surprise was on them! We had a wonderful evening of catching up, baby cuddling, present opening, and of course hot tubbing. The next day brought another 25 or so of our closest friends to our house for a fun-filled Canada Day BBQ, after which we all trucked down to the field for an awesome fireworks display. Friday we all packed in our respective vehicles and headed for Halifax, Jen and family to their parents’ houses, us to the Royal Nova Scotia International Tattoo. I had been hoping that would be a fitting “Nova Scotia” thing to do as we prepared to leave the province, and boy was I right. We were all immensely impressed – and the kids were thrilled when we took them out for ice cream at midnight! Saturday was a day of shopping and then an evening full of drinks, a boat ride on the Harbor, dancing at one of our favorite clubs and then a late night/early morning snack at the famous Pizza Corner. Crawling in at 4am did nothing for my Sunday morning disposition, but wonders for my spirit.

I had been really hoping Jen’s visit would awaken the free spirit in me, and I was not wrong. Now I am trying to take the great experiences I had and keep them in the forefront of my mind during weeks like these, when it seems everything is going wrong and nothing is going my way.