Thursday, July 8, 2010

The Dark Side of the Moon

I have been avoiding blogging the last couple weeks. I am not in a good place and therefore reluctant to continue my tales of woe, as I am fairly certain everyone is tired of hearing it by now. I know I am.

I have never been prone to depression, never felt before like the universe is doing everything in its power to break me, like my world was getting darker and darker. Not like now. I stress a lot, but I’ve come to learn that is my way of working through a problem and finding its solution. These days, no amount of stressing, planning, organizing or ranting is getting me any nearer to my goal and as the time draws closer to Steven’s departure, I am sinking further and further.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I feel like I’m a kid having a temper tantrum. I am obviously old enough to know by now that things don’t always go my way; I am generally very easy-going and take life as it comes at me, but for some reason I am having real trouble with this. It seems as if every time I get my hopes up and it appears there is a possibility for a positive outcome, something unforeseen happens – like rules suddenly changing – and we’re back to square one again. At this point, I am having trouble getting excited about anything related to this posting anymore. This, of course, is very unfair to Steven. He asked for this move, we both wanted it, and despite the issues we are having with the house, he is very excited for this change. As he should be. This new position is one he has coveted for long while, in a unit he has longed to work with. I feel like I am sucking the fun out of it for him, but honestly somedays it is all I can do to muster a smile when he talks about it.

This week brought news that a four bedroom PMQ was finally available on Base, after being on the waiting list for months, but we had two days to accept or decline. With no sale imminent, we had no choice but to say no thank you. On that same day we had a viewing booked; I commented that it was either perfect timing or the universe playing a cruel joke. Looks like someone finds this whole thing very amusing.

I cannot sign off without first mentioning the fabulous week I had last week, for our nation’s birthday and my friend’s homecoming. On Wednesday my best friend showed up in my driveway a day early to surprise me – during the five minutes I had had to run money over to the soccer field. I drove up to find the family scratching their heads wondering where I could be, I guess the surprise was on them! We had a wonderful evening of catching up, baby cuddling, present opening, and of course hot tubbing. The next day brought another 25 or so of our closest friends to our house for a fun-filled Canada Day BBQ, after which we all trucked down to the field for an awesome fireworks display. Friday we all packed in our respective vehicles and headed for Halifax, Jen and family to their parents’ houses, us to the Royal Nova Scotia International Tattoo. I had been hoping that would be a fitting “Nova Scotia” thing to do as we prepared to leave the province, and boy was I right. We were all immensely impressed – and the kids were thrilled when we took them out for ice cream at midnight! Saturday was a day of shopping and then an evening full of drinks, a boat ride on the Harbor, dancing at one of our favorite clubs and then a late night/early morning snack at the famous Pizza Corner. Crawling in at 4am did nothing for my Sunday morning disposition, but wonders for my spirit.

I had been really hoping Jen’s visit would awaken the free spirit in me, and I was not wrong. Now I am trying to take the great experiences I had and keep them in the forefront of my mind during weeks like these, when it seems everything is going wrong and nothing is going my way.


1 comment:

SwedishJenn said...

Oh Michelle! Truly feeling for you here. It will all work out, just not the way you had planned is all :-). Not that there's any comfort in that. I am super glad you had such a wonderful last hoorah with dear friends in Halifax. Thoughts and prayers are with you and the fam as this works itself out. "This too shall pass". xo