Friday, March 26, 2010

Deja Vu all over again

I suppose its enevitable that I will use this blog as a means of updating my health problems as well as complaining about them. (Come on, don't pretend you didn't see that one coming!) So it looks like after a year and a half of long awaited good health after my surgery two years ago, my problems have returned. First it was my blood pressure, then some headaches and fatigue and then the kidney stones started making a fuss again. As if that wasn't enough, the last one got stuck and had to be surgically removed just before Valentines Day. How romantic, wouldn't you say? Thank God for my wonderful, understanding husband who pulled out all the stops to take care of me and make the day special, but lets be honest: this isn't easy on anyone. We've been down this road before and we both know it gets much worse before it gets better. So just like before its time to address the many stones that still occupy my kidneys and cause me daily pain and annoyance. My first "lithotripsy" is scheduled for this coming Tuesday and all I can think is, "here we go again." So many people tell me how strong they think I am, how bad they feel that I keep having to deal with this and how proud they are of me for being such a trooper. Truth is: I'm scared to death. Not just of the procedure, although that is bad enough. The last time I had this "very minor" day surgery I ended up being admitted to the hospital in a great deal of pain and swore I'd never submit to it again. Things change though, I have a better specialist working with me and now that I know I have a genetic disorder that will create these tumors that cause this and many more - I really have no reason to say no. And thats the other part that scares me. I have done this before. I know it doesn't always work, takes many treatments to make a difference and that I have a very long road ahead of me. I want to be brave, I want to pretend this whole thing is easy now and I am not concerned one little bit. I want the world to see me as strong and not as a person constantly complaining about how I feel. I see the looks in everyone's eyes when I say my pain is back. I can almost hear them in their minds saying, "Seriously? Not again." I usually don't even mention it anymore until it becomes unbearable. But you know sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and feel sorry for myself and let the world go on without my input. Thankfully my family pulls me out of that pretty quickly - three busy kids don't allow for much wallowing and self pity. Anyway, I suppose I am having a moment and felt the need to share....more on this subject to come I'm sure. Oh and if you're so inclined, please say a little prayer for me on Tuesday :)


Mandi said...

We tell you that you are strong because you are! You are amazing, for keeping your family functioning, and being in this pain. If someone ever says "Seriously? Not again." or even has that look in their eyes, you need to turn your back and walk the other way. They are not worth your time! You are so much better than that. I hear you that you want to wallow in your self pity, I have been there, done that. If you need a shoulder to cry on, call me. With all of my issues, I can honestly say that I understand wanting to curl up in a ball in a corner by myself and cry, I've been there and done it. You need your family more than ever to help you, you need to be willing to reach out and accept the help. We will be thinking of you on Tuesday.
Take Care of yourself, and those beautiful kids.
Love Mandi

Michelle said...

Thank you so much Mandi, that means so much to me. I am a lucky girl indeed to have my family and friends like you - and thank you for introducing me to this wonderful world of expressing myself. I will be in touch about the aftermath of Tuesday's adventures! (I'm trying to look at it that way) xo, M.

My Journey as a mom of 4 under 5! said...

We will be saying a prayer for you. I know how you feel about the whole thing. I have been having problem with my health and it's just the begining. but i am always here for you. and will even fly down there to be with you if you need someone. I know there id a long road and that you feel like many time giving up, but you can't you have to much to get healthy for.
Love you xo

Tammy said...

Thanks for including me in this. I had no idea you're health problems were becoming this serious. I do know how you feel when you get that look of "not again" it's not easy being "unwell" especially for someone like you who carries off life so effortlessly. I aspire to be as good a mom as you are :)

Michelle said...

As I sit here and tear up I am so thankful I started this blog after all.
Thanks so much girls :)